Ever wished you felt more confident? Me too.
Many times, back when I was working in the corporate world, I would sit in a meeting listening to a discussion knowing that I had a valuable perspective to offer. But as I thought about offering my insight I would start to feel my heart beating hard inside my chest. I told myself I wasn’t confident enough to speak up. So I would wait till the next meeting when maybe I would feel more confident. Sounds familiar?
I have for long been thought that confidence was the factor that distinguished the successful from the unsuccessful. Those who stand out from those who sit quietly. Those who are inspiring from those who look for inspiration. But my perception has changed as I started meeting and coaching more extraordinary people.
Here is a biggie… You can be at the top of your field AND relentlessly compare yourself to others and feel less then… You can be admired by others AND doubt your accomplishments, hoping that one day, you’ll finally stop feeling like a fraud. Which begs the question – is it confidence we really need to get what we want out of life and lead the change we’d like to see?
We often confuse cause and effect.
Most of us want to feel confident before we take action. But if we wait till we feel confident, we’ll be waiting a long, long time. That’s because confidence is way more situational than absolute.
When things are new, we don’t feel as competent and comfortable as we would when we are doing something we’ve been doing for the last 10 years. Ultimately, stretching beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone goes hand-in-hand with self-doubt, imposter syndrome, fear of failure…
There will always be some struggle. No one’s immune to it. And that’s a good thing. Because with struggle comes greater improvement and achievement. And progress breeds confidence. We have it exactly backwards. Nothing builds confidence faster than acting with the confidence you wish you had.
However, this is not to disregard the importance of doing inner work and building a strong sense of trust in your strength and abilities. Each of us is burdened with our own flavour of inner challenges. But you don’t want to fall into the trap of using inner work/healing as a way of talking yourself out of action… whether it is moving forward in your career, jump-starting on a new one, engaging in conversations or having a better work-life balance.
Confidence doesn’t precede action. Confidence follows action.
Courage is a prerequisite before confidence.
Without courage, we may never develop confidence. Courage is what gives us the ability to take the first step.
The good news is that everyone has the capacity for being courageous. It is a muscle you get to train. Every time you take action despite fear, you will be strengthening your courage muscle. And confidence grows in the middle of doing because you’re proving to yourself what’s possible. Instead of living in your head – overthinking your options or second-guessing your decisions – you’re getting concrete feedback.
Use fear as the compass
There is very little physiological difference between the sensations and symptoms of fear and excitement. The things you’re afraid of are often the things you desire.
When we really want something, we try to protect ourselves from the pain and disappointment of what it could mean to fail. Take, for example, getting involved in a project that you are really passionate about; chances are that you will feel a bit nervous and fearful. Your fear is simply an acknowledgement that the risks are high. It is not a sign to avoid taking action. So flip the sensation of fear on its head.
That’s it for now. Follow the fear. Run at it. Confidence will activate when you do.
Love,
Aleks